I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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