Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Randomize
