he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
