is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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