Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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