So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
