New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
