I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
