i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
