You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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