Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
