I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize