best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
