Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
