Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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