Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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