Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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