Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
