He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
