Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize