I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize