i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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