I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
