I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize