How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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