just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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