She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it hurts more in the daytime
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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