He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I see more hoeing in ur future
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
