i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Even my vagina gasped.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
