i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
