So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
