In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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