When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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