but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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