I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
