I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize