Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
