At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
