Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My ATM looks so different sober.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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