I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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