So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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