If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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