pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
