What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
