I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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