I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
