She said her name was "party"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
