she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
