Just fell off a train. Bad.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
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