Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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