I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
