Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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