I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Randomize
