If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
