I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
