i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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