Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
