I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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